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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26737834">*chants* johnten johnten johnten</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shownustiddies/pseuds/shownustiddies'>shownustiddies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Come Eating, Come Swallowing, Confusion, Depression, Drug Use, Johnny is really depressed like a lot depressed, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Making Love, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, Phone Sex, Recreational Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts, bc johnny is depressed, he's also confused, idk if they're bad enough to be characterized under that tag but a tw just in case, oh fuck so much angst I'm so sorry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:28:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,562</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26737834</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shownustiddies/pseuds/shownustiddies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>johnny realizes that he can't run from his problems forever</p>
<p>pt 2 of my johnten series that wasn't planned.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>133</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>bc nct2020 has revitalized my love for johnten my god</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>*chants* johnten johnten johnten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>since you all liked my first one I decided to make a sequel. enjoy :D</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jaehyun was spewing to me about his work day as he smoked a joint, but I was staring at the clock in front of me zoning out from the conversation. I watched as the second hand ticked and ticked, making time pass so slowly. I had waited all day for seven o’clock to hit. Because that meant it was seven o’clock in Bangkok, Thailand. Which meant Ten would be waking up. Which meant he would call me. Which meant I would see him. Which meant he would show off to me. And I couldn’t wait. My leg was bouncing in anticipation.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s been two months since I fucked him for the first time and I honestly, had never felt more alive. From the way his body felt under me and the way he tasted, god the way he begged—it drove me insane. To say I was addicted to him was an understatement. And when he moved back to Thailand for the summer, I thought I was going to go insane. I felt empty inside and I felt angrier. It was like I was going through a withdrawal. I missed my drug of choice. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Calling each other was nice though, at least I got to hear him and at least I would get to see his beautiful face. Because I needed it more than anything in the world. I almost came on the spot the second I saw him after he got back. He hadn’t called me in like three days and I missed him. My cock missed him more though. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you even listening to me?” Jaehyun asked, knocking me out of the thoughts that made my dick hard.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Bro you gotta stop being so obsessed with Ten. He lives in Thailand for crying out loud, gay men go crazy over there,” Jaehyun laughed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up. I’m not obsessed!” I spat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t go a day without talking to him.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Doesn’t mean I’m obsessed.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun smirked which revealed his devilish dimples, “No it just means you’re in looo—.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I grabbed the nearest pillow from beside me and threw it at him. He laughed as I blushed. Truth was, I didn’t know what I was feeling. Whatever it was, I had never felt like this before. And I felt it even before I fucked him. Fucking him just made the feeling worse. But I didn’t know if I wanted it to go away or not. Ten was a magician with my feelings. I’m under his spell and I don’t know if I want out or not.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Just admit it man.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not! I’m not sure what I’m feeling,” I admitted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun laughed, “Bro even Mark agrees th—“</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My phone started vibrating which interrupted Jaehyun and officially ended this conversation. I grabbed my phone that had Ten’s name written across the screen and ran to my room. After plopping down on my bed and answering, I was greeted to the most heavenly human I had ever laid eyes on. I could only see his eyes and forehead but he still looked so pretty.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hiiii,” Ten greeted in his cute Thai accent.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi baby.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Miss me?” He asked. I could tell he was smiling which made me smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You know it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah I know you did,” he giggled. The connection was pretty shitty and there was yelling in the background which distracted me from Ten. “Sorry my sister and mom are having an argument.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” I chuckled softly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How are you?” He asked over the chatter.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good. Better now though,” I answered with a cheeky smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re such a flirt you know that?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. It’s a specialty of mine,” I giggled and blushed (he was the only one to make me blush), “How are you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Tired. It’s summer but I have to get up early because a certain someone can’t go a day without seeing me,” he giggled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I felt bad but the butterflies in my stomach were running rampant. What the hell was happening? “Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fine Johnny, I’m only kidding. I love talking to you,” he hummed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Oh fuck he was making me feel so many things. “Me too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I had a dream about you last night,” he started as he panned out to reveal that he was, in fact, shirtless. Oh fuck his chest looked so good. I wanted to kiss it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he hummed as he stroked his hand up and down his chest and sighed. Oh we were getting to the good part.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened in that dream?” I asked as I softly palmed my already hard cock through my pants.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten smirked, “Are you touching yourself?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sighed as I applied more pressure, “Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I watched as he turned over and placed the phone in front of him. Ten was naked. Oh god. My dick was out of my pants and I was already stroking myself instantly. He teased himself by rubbing his fingers over his nipples. His bottom lip (god I wanted to taste his lips again) went in between his teeth and he sighed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So that dream,” he started as he looked directly at me with doe eyes. His hand was on his dick and he smiled. This boy could make one hell of a cam boy. But he was doing it all for me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He giggled almost innocently. God, I wanted to ruin him. “You were in bed with me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten nodded and gave me a devilish smirk, “You had nothing on. It was sexy.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What did I do in the dream?” I asked as I matched the way he was jerking himself off. I imagined my cock inside his warmth, being surrounded by him and swallowed by him. God I was gonna come.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You started kissing my lips first. But it didn’t take you long to start kissing my neck and touching my cock like you do,” he moaned. I bit my lip as I watched him get himself off to the thought of his dream. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Keep going baby,” I encouraged him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And then, you turned me to my side and made me watch us fuck in a mirror by my bed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded and let out a loud exhale, “You fucked me so good Johnny. I woke up from being so horny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How did I fuck you?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten was close. His pace had picked up and he was quivering under his own touch. I was only egging him on. “Hard. I love when you fuck me hard and fast. You always hit that spot inside me that drives me crazy.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeahhhhhh—fuck Johnny please.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Keep going baby boy you’re doing so well. You look so good,” I mumbled. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Come with me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay baby.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I could never deny Ten anything. So I worked myself up to the point where I was close to my high. It didn’t take long because I was watching him come undone in front of me. He was begging me to fuck him. He was so needy and desperate to come that it made me insanely hot. I watched as beads of come spurted in the direction of the camera. Oh to devour that. He moaned my name softly to not cause attention. He whimpered as he worked himself to overstimulation. It was only a matter of seconds before my toes curled and my own seed was dripping from my cock. Ten watched me intently as I came down from another high.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten giggled as he grabbed the phone. He looked a mess but I loved that. We sat on the phone while my cock was still covered in come and he was all sweaty. He laid back down and put the camera in the same angle he was in when we started.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You look so sexy when you come,” he complimented. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You too baby boy. You’re so sexy.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was giggling like a little school boy, “Don’t call me that or I’ll want to go again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Baby boy,” I said with a teasing smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut uppp.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I changed the subject after a brief moment of laughter, “Lemme see your whole face baby.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” He asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I want to see how pretty you are,” I answered honestly, “I love to see you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten pulled the camera away and did a funny pose as he showed his whole face. I bit my lip and smiled as I looked at him. His fringe was getting longer. It covered one of his eyes. He pushed it away as he caught me looking. Secretly, I was hoping he would keep growing out because I wanted to run my fingers through it. I wanted to grab it and hold onto it. It would be especially helpful when I was fucking him roughly because he liked when I did.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But I wasn’t going to keep thinking about it. My poor cock could only handle so much. And I didn’t want Ten to think I only wanted him for sex. Because I didn’t. Well, maybe I did. I don’t know.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What did you do today?” Ten asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Um… I waited for you,” I replied.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That made him laugh, “You can’t spend your summer wasting away waiting for me to call.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh I can and I will. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Wait. “I mean I played some piano.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you work?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No. My dad gives me money.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Must be nice being rich,” he mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I wasn’t rich by any means. The only reason I got money from my dad was because he thought leaving me at a young age was a stupid decision and decided to make a monatary repayment. Instead of a relationship, he figured he would make the problem disappear by giving me money. It was how I got this house. And it was how I managed to avoid working throughout school. I guess I didn’t mind. I’ve survived this long. Plus, who didn’t want money? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But I wasn’t about to tell Ten my backstory. The less he knew the better. Plus, he only wanted me because I made him come right? That’s why everyone wanted me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So I just laughed, “Yeah. Right. Do you have work today?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He sighed and frowned, “Yeah I go in at noon. I don’t want to though.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Only a few more weeks and you’ll be back here,” I encouraged him, “You can do it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He smiled, “Thanks Johnny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We spent a few more hours talking and it felt nice. Ten was someone who could talk about anything. I didn’t have to say much because he always filled the air. As someone who was extroverted, it was weird for me not to speak. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to listen to him go on forever. But I knew I couldn’t. Because he had work to do.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And when 10:30 hit, that’s when the emptiness began to creep back in. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I sighed into the dark emptiness of my room and decided that cleaning up wasn’t important. I always hated the feeling after he hung up. Because it felt lonely. I don’t know why I felt so lonely. But it never went alone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I stripped myself of my dirty clothes and buried myself under my covers. It was always like this. I will wake up tomorrow. It will suck but then I will remember Ten will call me at 7. Then, we’ll talk for three hours, more if I’m lucky. And then he’ll hang up. I’ll feel the hole in my heart start to get bigger and then I’ll fall asleep. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So I closed my eyes and let my thoughts of Ten take over until I entered dream land. At least here I could be happy with him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Wanna see my new piercing?” Ten asked immediately as I picked up the phone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He never called me at this hour. I had just woken up and it was like he sensed me. Because my phone immediately started buzzing on my night stand. I thought something was wrong but I was immediately greeted by an excited boy. He looked so happy that it made me happy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah show me,” I answered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten pointed the phone to his ear where there was some redness at the top of his lobe. I could see an earring I had never seen before amongst his other piercings. He never filled them all at once. I bet that would make his ear feel so heavy based on how many holes he had in his ear. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Really cool!” I said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You think?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah! It looks cool.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks. It was Art’s idea so we went after work to each get one. He paid for it which was nice. My ear still feels sore but I think it looks good,” He explained.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I could only nod because of the friend he brought up. I had heard stories of them. Apparently they grew up together and have been great friends since childhood. Art was gay too and helped Ten accept himself. Which was good for Ten’s sake. I should feel happy that he has such a good friend. So why was I feeling angry?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Anyway did I wake you up? Sorry if I did, I was so excited,” Ten apologized.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no you’re fine. I had just woken up when you called,” I reassured him, “Don’t be sorry for your excitement.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay cool. Anyway, I have to go, Art and I are going out. I’ll call you at the usual time yeah?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I nodded. I suddenly didn’t want to see him anymore anyway, “Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Bye Johnny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Bye.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I hung up first. I sighed in defeat. Of course I had no competition with someone who's known Ten his whole life. The man helped Ten through a lot for Christ’s sake. All I was good for was making him come. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I got up and went to take shower and stared my own reflection in the mirror. I really didn’t know what anybody saw in me. There was nothing spectacular about my appearance and yet everyone was on their knees begging to suck my cock and make them come. And I was good at playing it off. They always say the cockiest guy in the room is overcompensating for something. And I was over compensating for everything. I hated it. I hated looking at myself. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And I hated that Ten was making me feel angry. I stepped into the hot embrace of the shower and sighed. How could he just pass off going out with his gay friend like that? Especially one he’s had a long history with. I didn’t want to think about what they were gonna do. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten and I made a promise to not fuck anyone while he was away. And I had been keeping my end of the promise. I couldn’t even fuck anyone anyway because he was the only person who could get it up anymore. But what if Ten was bored of me? What if he wanted to find someone who could fuck him better and make him feel in ways I couldn’t? I mean that’s how it always happened right? That guy knows him way better than I do and he didn’t sound boring. At least he had hobbies and a job. I was a slob who smoked weed all day waiting for his boy to give him release. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I angrily stroked my cock at the thought of Ten getting fucked to someone else. Maybe then I could let it all go and I could stop being obsessed with him. I imagined him begging someone else to fuck him the way I did. I imagined him yelling someone else’s name as he got slammed by an imaginary guy. He was going to get demolished by someone that wasn’t me. And I came undone and watched my come wash away. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck you Ten,” I whispered to myself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mark had made pot brownies for us to celebrate his 1 year anniversary at his job. It was stupid but we always found something to celebrate in this house. It was always an excuse to get shit faced and high. I was already feeling loopy an hour in. I may have been a stoner but edibles always fucked me up. Especially the stuff Mark always bought.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Johnny?” Mark summoned.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was in a different realm. One where Ten wasn’t fucking some other guy. But then I came back down to Mark’s voice and cursed to myself. “Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You alright bud?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ha. Bud,” Jaehyun giggled in the corner, “Get it like weed?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I lost it at Jaehyun’s stupid humor. Jaehyun was always funnier when he was high and when I was high. Maybe because I didn’t process any thoughts when I was high so the stupidest jokes didn’t have to pass through any logical thought. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jaehyun you’re so stupid,” Mark bickered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m stupid? At least I didn’t fail at gym in high school,” Jaehyun snickered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I got a D and I hated gym class.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, you failed gym?” I asked, interrupting their convo.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jaehyun started, “Yeah he—“</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut the fuck up Jaehyun!” Mark yelled as he tackled Jaehyun who was laughing like crazy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They continued to fight in the corner while my phone started buzzing in my pocket. I looked at the clock and sure enough it was 7. But I didn’t want to talk to Ten. I didn’t want to face him right now. I was high off my ass and therefore not in any logical state of mind to carry a conversation. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But I also didn’t want to hear the story about how good he got fucked by his friend from work. It was all I had been thinking about all day and this was the one time I was forgetting about it. Kind of anyway. So I watched as it rang until a notification popped up that said I had missed his call. I just stared at it until my screen went black. It was like poking a sore bruise. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I grabbed another brownie and my phone started vibrating again. Why did he want to talk to me so badly? I took a bite and savored the taste of chocolate and weed. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A text from him appeared shortly after I missed another call. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Are you busy?</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No. But I wasn’t about to tell him that. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After a little while of Mark playing some cheesy guitar tunes, we sat in silence because we were high off our minds. Mark seemed to be going on a spiritual journey and Jaehyun was probably thinking about tits or something because drool was falling from his lips. I decided I had enough of being around people, and went upstairs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I grabbed a record from my shelf. Rarely did I ever turn these on because I was always too lazy to switch them. But tonight really called for filling out my empty brain. Because the only other option was to think about Ten. And I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to forget him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I laid in bed and sighed as the music filled my room at an adequate volume. It was enough to fill my head but soft enough to not disturb the boys downstairs. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Call it magic. When I’m with you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Why wasn’t I good enough for Ten? I made him feel good and I complimented him all the time. I made sure he felt special. Sure, I wasn’t there in person but I thought we were doing fine like this. And why did I feel so enraged by him? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I don't, and I don't, and I don't, and I don't, no I don't, it's true. I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't, no, I don't</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Want anybody else but you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I never loved anyone. I was incapable of feeling that side of human emotions. Sure, I cared for Jaehyun and Mark like they were my own brothers, but I didn’t love them. In fact if they died, I probably wouldn’t grieve. I never had crushes growing up. Yeah, there were hot girls that everyone lusted after, but once I fucked them I couldn’t give a shit. It’s the same now. Love wasn’t in my vocabulary. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So why was I so fucking angry?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Wanna fall, I fall so far. I wanna fall, fall so hard.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tears fell from my eyes unconsciously and I sighed. I hated crying. Crying was pointless and didn’t solve anything. It only made my nose stuffy and eyes puffy. I felt weak. Especially since I didn’t know why I was crying.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And I call it magic. And I call it true.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I grabbed my pillow and shoved it over my face and screamed. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What the fuck am I feeling?!!!!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I held it over my face in hopes maybe it would kill me like in the movies. But then I decided to just leave it. I threw my pillow to the floor and just closed my eyes and let the next song lull me to sleep. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I slept in today because there was no point in getting up early. Mark had left a glass of water by my bed with a note. That was one of the things I liked about him. He was an empathetic and caring guy. I didn’t have to tell him something was up without him knowing. And I never had to talk about it, he offered his shoulder if I needed it but rarely did I take it. So he just made sure I knew he was there in the little ways.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I heard you crying to Coldplay last night. If you need to talk about it I’m more than willing to listen. But if not, that’s cool too. Stay hydrated though! :) </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Love, Mark </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I took a long gulp of the room temperature water and laid my head back down. There was no rush to get out of bed. I looked over to my nightstand and grabbed my phone. My anxiety kicked in when I saw all the notifications from Ten I missed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Is everything alright?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Please talk to me Johnny. I need to know you’re okay.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Johnny?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Why didn’t you answer?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Did I do something wrong?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Johnny? Please answer.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Sorry I don’t mean to spam. I just want to know you’re okay. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sighed and locked my phone and laid it back on my nightstand and went to put my vinyl back on my shelf. I heard it vibrate but I ignored it. He was probably just trying to call me again. And I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to see his pretty face and be reminded of how bad I am at being a human.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I turned on the water and ignored my reflection in the mirror as I waited for it to heat up. Why did he want to see me anyway? Can’t he take a hint? Why doesn’t he just go fuck his friend? Surely, it’s better than what I can offer. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I hate you so much Ten.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I angrily scrubbed myself which only led to thoughts of Ten touching me. The way his soft fingers would trail down my body and the way he would smile up at me as he did so. Fuck of course I was hard. And then he would take his cock into his pretty little mouth and bob his head up and down like a good boy. He knew how to give such good head. Too bad he was giving it to someone else. And his hands would never leave my body. He would fondle my balls and stroke my sides because he knew how to touch me. He was the only person who knew how to touch me. I hated it. I hated that he knew how to make me feel so good. I came over my hand violently and let it wash away in the drain. I punched the shower wall.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Why couldn’t I get rid of him? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A few days went by and Ten stopped trying to contact me. I could only say good because I knew he deserved better. There was a guy back home that was dying for his attention and cock and I would only end up ruining him anyway. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I spent my days smoking weed, drinking, and floating in the pool hoping I would drown. And when Friday came along, I didn’t even bother leaving my room. As extroverted as I was, I was too emotionally drained to even lay my eyes on a person. Because if I did, I knew they would only want to fuck me. And I didn’t want to fuck anyone. I had to keep my promise.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even if he didn’t.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I very rarely climbed onto the roof. Only when I was feeling in a particular mood. I sat in front of my bedroom window and lit up my last joint. Jaehyun was supposed to get more weed tonight and I thanked god for that. I don’t think I’d be able to last a day without it. Sure, I was addicted but I didn’t give a fuck. Weed never broke it’s promise to me. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No one noticed me so I watched as the people in the lawn below talked and swayed about to the music that was blasting through the open front door. There were couples making out and strangers grinding on each other. They looked so happy to be here and living on this planet even if it’s just tonight. And I was up here sitting in my own misery. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I thought about the first time I had seen Ten. He seemed so out of place in my house. It was what drew me to him. He had a tattoo on his arm and piercings covering his ears. His foot tapped to the music and he drank with such conviction even though our alcohol always sucks. He wasn’t enjoying himself I could tell that, but that didn’t matter. I just thought he was cute and tiny and I wanted to make him lose his mind. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But in a typical fashion, I ruined it. Of course he didn’t want me. I was shit faced and gross. I don’t know why anyone wanted to fuck me at these things. I was amazed that he didn’t fall into me like everyone else did. And I hated him for it. And I especially hated him when Jaehyun told me he made him come. Because Jaehyun had everything I didn’t. Of course he was going to fall for the cute boy next door. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But then he got on his knees in front of me and sucked my thumb like he meant it. And then he let me touch him until he came. I had never tasted a man before but he tasted so good. And then he let me do it again, and again, and again, and again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No wonder he moved on. He was bored. There was nothing to be excited about anymore. I was only a play toy to him that he used and got bored with and threw me in the garbage. It was just like everyone else. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A tear fell from my eye and I sighed. Not this again. I climbed back into my dark room and collapsed on my bed. After finishing my last joint, I rolled over and decided now was as good as ever to fall asleep.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you doing okay?” Mark asked as I grabbed a beer from the fridge. It was eleven o'clock in the morning.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No. And no I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered his next question before he could even speak.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I walked out to the pool and jumped in. I let the water consume me and I stayed down there until I was coming up to gasp for air. When I turned around Mark was standing at the doorway making his way over. I took a sip of beer as he sat down and let his legs rest in the water.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jaehyun working?” I asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mark nodded, “Yeah. Someone called off and he figured he would make some extra coin.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I nodded. It felt nice to have Mark’s company even if I didn’t realize it. Mark had the warmest atmosphere to him. It’s why everyone wanted to be his friend. He had a way of wowing everyone and making people laugh. If he saw someone upset, he was there to make them smile. Or he would make everyone’s days brighter by strumming a few chords and singing. But only a select few people got to experience his true self. The Mark that hugged and the Mark that got deep and philosophical. Or my personal favorite, the Mark that got high off his ass and laughed at everything. And I don’t know what I did to deserve it but I felt lucky to have him. Especially in a moment like this.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is it Ten?” He asked to fill the silence as he kicked his feet in the water.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t wanna talk about it,” I answered as I went to float on my back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He called me a few days ago asking if you were alright,” he said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the thoughts of him passing through my mind, “Hmm.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I said I didn’t know. I figured he had broken up with you or something—“</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re not dating. We never dated,” I interrupted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah well anyway. He seemed really worried and confused that you just started ignoring him all the sudden,” He explained.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s none of your business Mark.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Johnny…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mark…” I mocked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mark sighed, “Look, you can’t keep running away from your problems. Yeah, your life wasn’t great but neither were mine or Jaehyun’s, and yet we faced our problems and came out better people. I know your dad didn’t love you but we do Johnny! There’s so many people that care about you and you’re pushing them away! And for what?! So you can pride yourself on being a loner? That won’t solve your problems!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You need to stop kicking people out of your life! Drugs, parties, and sex aren’t going to fill the void forever Johnny! It will only kill you in the end. You need to grow up and start being a better person and that starts by reaching out. Jaehyun and I love you to death bro! And to see you killing yourself like this breaks our hearts!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I said nothing because I knew he was right. My entire life has consisted of me pushing other people away. It was how I survived in the world. I spent my entire life fending for myself and teaching myself that I never needed anyone else. And when someone got to close it only got scary and I had to leave them before they left me. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s why I left Ten. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because I couldn’t stand the idea of hearing him talk about someone who was better than me. I stood no chance to anybody.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mark sighed, “Well when you stop being a sulky baby and talk to me I’ll be inside.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I heard water splash as he exited the pool and a few moments of silence before the back door slammed shut behind him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why couldn’t you be born a normal human Johnny?” I asked to the sky. Of course it had no answers for me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The last few weeks of summer seemed to pass by like molasses. And it wasn’t helped by the fact that I rarely got out of bed except to piss and occasionally shower. I just laid in my own bed to rot away. I was hoping Jaehyun and Mark would eventually leave me alone to slowly die but they cared about me enough I guess to make sure I was staying hydrated and eating. I don’t know why they did and especially after my conversation with Mark, I was convinced he hated me. But he was always bringing me food and water when I didn’t feel like grabbing it myself and asking me if I was okay even if he knew the answer. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My favorite time of day was when the sun set because I could see the pretty summer sky through my window. I hated myself for wasting my last real summer like this but I had no energy to exist in the world. And when Mark told me they were having a huge party right before the semester started, I was less than enthusiastic about it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mark was right about one thing. I was using those to run away from my problems. If I was partying, I was ignoring the fact that I felt lonely and dark inside. I could ignore the fact that I couldn’t feel any emotions if I was fucking some girls brain out over a bathroom sink. At least I could feel a sensation when I was coming. I could at least pretend to be likable to hide from the fact that I absolutely despise myself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But I couldn’t hide from it anymore. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was being forced to look into a mirror and see all my flaws and they were ugly as shit. I was ugly as shit. So the last thing I wanted to do was to be put in a crowd of people. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The house felt fuller than usual. The music was louder and I could hear people more clearly from my room than usual. And when I looked out my window I saw a huge crowd of people on my lawn. Our parties never drew crowds like this. I guess word had gotten around. Jaehyun probably told everyone at the shop and Mark was involved in a lot of organizations on campus so he probably told them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At least they were well liked enough. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sighed and turned to lay down in my bed. My mind wandered to Ten like it always did. He was probably back in the States now and he was probably with his host family having a big welcome back feast. He told me that was a tradition for them. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Maybe you can come this time,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>he said to me once, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>My host family would probably love you.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Doubtful.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My mind kept wandering though. I thought about his smile and how happy he must be. Or maybe he was sad because he had to leave his little boyfriend back home. I thought about how they probably cooked him his favorite meal. And how he would probably eat until he couldn’t stand anymore. Ten did tell me he loved to eat sweets. Maybe they got him a cake for dessert. The smile on his face would make his eyes crinkles. And he would do a happy food dance as he engorged himself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Why did he have to be so cute? I was suffering without him and I couldn’t stand it anymore.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was a knock at my door interrupting my thoughts. Mark had been up here earlier begging me to come down and chill with everyone but I told him I could care less. I thought it was probably him again checking up on me. Or maybe it was some girl who wanted to suck me off. Either way, I just wanted to be left alone to mope. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sighed and grabbed the door handle and started to open the door “Go away! I don’t want to party ri—.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi Johnny,” Ten greeted. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>My body was close to collapse the second I laid eyes on him. It had only been a month but he looked so different. His hair was shorter now on the sides, but his fringe still came down to his eyes. He had gotten more tan too, probably from the summer sun. And I could’ve sworn he had gotten taller. But then I saw his platform shoes and knew where the added height came from. He was also wearing makeup that made his face pop. I had never seen him wear makeup but he looked good. He looked edgy and it was hot. He could pull off anything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And I hated him for it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing here?” I asked over the music that was blaring downstairs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We need to talk.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I really didn’t want to have this conversation or any conversation with him. I was really hoping he would have forgotten about me and moved on. He could do so much better anyway.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I really don’t feel like—.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No we’re talking,” he interrupted as he pushed himself in my room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I closed the door slowly behind him and stared at my hand still attached to the doorknob. My body was frozen in its spot. I was thinking of every possible escape from this situation but I couldn’t move. But I was waiting for Ten to tell me everything; to tell me everything I already knew. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why did you ignore me Johnny?” He broke the silence, “What did I do wrong?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Oh god he sounded so hurt. I didn’t have to see his face to know that he was hurt. And I was mentally kicking myself. I broke his fucking heart and now I had more of a reason to hate myself. Because no one deserved to be hurt by me. And Ten especially didn’t deserve to be hurt by anyone. Especially me. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Look at me Johnny!” He yelled when I didn’t answer. I took a breath and he grabbed me and made me face him. Tears were falling from his eyes. His grip on my arm was hard and it was starting to hurt. “FUCKING ANSWER ME BITCH!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I couldn’t take it anymore. My body felt so weak and I collapsed on the floor in front of him. The weight of existence had officially become too much. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I just wanted to cry into a hole and rot away. I didn’t deserve to live. Not after I had caused hurt and pain to so many people. I hurt Ten and I couldn’t forgive myself. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten was the only person who made me feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I didn’t know what it was but it made me feel so alive. More than the parties, more than the weed, more than sex. I felt so carefree with him. He was something I looked forward to and something that made me genuinely happy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And I ruined it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sobbed at his feet like a little baby. Because I truly felt like it. I was so lost and afraid of the world and I wanted nothing more than to just feel the warmth of the feelings Ten gave me again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry Ten, I’m so, so, so sorry,” I cried.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why did you ignore me?” He whispered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“B-Because I was scared. You had your friend back home and I—I saw it as an excuse to run away. H-He knew you better than I ever could and I figured you would be happier. I needed to hurt you before you could hurt me because you deserve so much better Ten,” I looked up at his face that seemed cold, “I’m a mess. I’m a fucking mess. I never let anyone into my life because if I did I know they would only want to leave. I offer nothing to this world and to people’s lives. I overcompensate because I want to be liked; I want to feel loved. And I shut you out because it was easier than facing that. I didn’t want to be hurt by you because I don’t know what I would’ve done.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you know how much it hurt to not know Johnny? I spent a day crying because I thought you were hurt! And then when Mark told me you were fine I started to question what I did wrong! And when I realized it was nothing I figured you were fucking someone else!” He slapped me and I know I deserved it. “I thought you broke our promise! And I was so pissed at you! Because I thought you loved me!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Say it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He got a confused look on his face and sniffled, “Say what?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Say that you hate me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Johnny…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“SAY IT, TEN! BECAUSE I NEED AN EXCUSE TO HATE MYSELF MORE!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sobbed uncontrollably at his feet. My body was shaking as adrenaline kicked in. Also from the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything in like twelve hours. I was hungry and dehydrated and crying like a baby. I was waiting to hear those words fall from his lips so I could loathe myself even more. But instead, Ten got on his knees and grabbed my face. His soft touch grounded me instead, “I don’t hate you Johnny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was shocked at his words.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But I…. I hurt you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But I don’t hate you Johnny. I could never hate you,” he wiped some tears from my face, “I’m mad at you but I don’t hate you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why not?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hearing that word out loud made me come to the realization. All those butterflies and all the times my heart was racing; the anxiously awaiting his calls; the way my face seemed to light up whenever I saw his name on my phone or whenever he was mentioned; the cravings to be near him and hold him; the way he occupied 99% of my thoughts; it had a name. It was something I really thought I was incapable of feeling.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I never felt love. That wasn’t something I felt I deserved so giving it back wasn’t anything that interested me. But then I saw this cute Thai boy at a party and I didn’t want anyone else. Suddenly it wasn’t about getting laid, it was something deeper. I wanted to be near him at all times. I want to impress him. I wanted to be the only one making him feel good. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ten.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“T-Ten? Did you—?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you Johnny,” he whispered again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh my fucking god. </span>
  </em>
  <span>My heart was threatening to escape my chest. I didn’t know how to reply to this. Sure, everyone seemed to admit that they loved me after I fucked them but of course I didn’t feel the same way. How did one respond to such a sentence? I was completely clueless.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I need you to tell me Johnny. I need to know how you feel about me because I can’t keep chasing after you. It would h—“</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I interrupted his thought with a kiss. This would prove something right? Because the only way I knew how to tell Ten anything was by touching him. I was never good with words especially since I barely recognized the L word myself. I wrapped my arms around his slim body and pulled him into me. I wanted to become a part of him but it was impossible so I held him tightly against me. His hand fell to my shoulder and he gripped to my shirt tightly. Feeling my lips on his again was such a magical feeling. Especially now that I knew the word. I loved having him in my arms like this. I loved kissing him. God, I loved him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I pulled away and looked into his eyes for any signs of disgust or hatred. But his eyes only seemed to sparkle. His lips curled into a smile which made me smile. And then we giggled like little school boys.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve missed you so much Ten,” I whispered against his lips.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I missed you too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry,” I mumbled as I looked into his eyes, “I’m sorry I hurt you like that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I forgive you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t break our promise,” I said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good,” he smiled, “Neither did I.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And I will make it up to you I promise.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I let out a relaxed sigh, “I will do anything okay? I will make sure I never do this again. I’ll be honest and open to you and I won’t run away ever again and I will talk to you and I—“</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Johnny?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“—will—yeah?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re talking too much.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten giggled, “Just kiss me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Whatever Ten wants, Ten gets. So I grabbed his face and kissed him. His fingers ran through my hair and I smiled into the kiss once I realized he was actually touching me again. My heart pounded in my chest and my palms began to feel sweaty. I felt nervous, but it was always a good nervous. God I had missed this. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten pulled away and I whimpered from our loss of contact. I hadn’t got to touch him in over three months. I needed to touch him and kiss him and proved to him that I loved him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I need to go home,” He mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” I asked. Surely, he could stay and we could spend the night losing ourselves in each other.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My host mom wants me back by midnight so I can get my sleep schedule set normally before school starts,” he explained.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s stupid. You should stay here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten laughed at my desperation, “I need to.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll take you home then.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten didn’t say no and so I grabbed my keys off my dresser. Ten grabbed my hand as I led him down the stairs to the explosive party. I felt like everyone’s eyes were on me. There was a feeling of discomfort as I walked Ten out to my car. People looked like they had just seen an alien. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Driving away from that place was the best feeling in the world. I didn’t want to be around people I barely knew who only wanted to get one thing from me. I looked over at Ten who was looking out his window. He looked so pretty and peaceful. My heart pounded in my chest.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Pay attention to the road,” Ten said as he giggled at me. How did he know I was looking? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” I mumbled as I turned my head back to the road in front of me. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You know Johnny, just because I forgave you doesn’t mean you’re fully off the hook,” Ten stated. He still wasn’t looking at me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I felt nervous about what he would say next. We were literally just kissing in my room and now I was thinking he didn’t want to continue. “What do you mean?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He turned to face me and I was pretty sure I would wreck the car. “You need to figure your shit out because I’m not gonna have you running away from me the second it gets hard. We need to set rules and communicate.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you not want to….?” My voice trailed off. There were words in my brain but nothing was making sense. How did people communicate their feelings so flawlessly?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do I not want to, what?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I slammed my hands on my steering wheel and cursed out loud at my internal frustration. “I don’t fucking know. I don’t know anything. I’m so fucking stupid Ten. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Ten said gently, “You’re not stupid.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We made it to his house and part of me was sad because I didn’t want him to leave. I feared if he walked away from me he would undo all that he said to me. But he leaned over and planted a kiss on my lips and the fear subsided.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks Johnny,” he mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmm,” I hummed as I kissed him again. And again. And one more time. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten giggled and lightly pushed me away, “Text me when you make it home. I’ll worry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I will.” I didn’t want to go home.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Goodnight Johnny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sleep well Ten.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded and exited my car. I sighed and watched him walk into his house. Once he was out of sight, I screamed in frustration before slamming my head on my steering wheel. Why was this so hard for me?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Classes had started back up for the semester and I wasn’t looking forward to it. I never looked forward to school. I had managed to bullshit my way through three years and I figured I could manage one more. But I was sitting in a music theory class where the teacher seemed like the most boring person on the planet. I knew that he would take all the fun out of music for me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Any questions?” The only people who seemed to have a gleam in their eye were the students I had never seen before. Everyone else looked dead as shit. After no one raised their hand he spoke, “Alright class dismissed. See you on Monday.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was shoving my syllabus in my bag and a girl approached me. I had never seen her before so I figured she was at least a transfer. But I also had a nonexistent memory.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you Johnny?” She asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah..?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh I’ve heard a lot about you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s nice. I really have to g—.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re a lot cuter in person. I was at your party on Friday and I—.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s nice but I have to go now.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I left the room because I knew exactly where that conversation was going. It was always the same.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey Johnny I was at your party and I just wanted to know if you wanted to fuck. I mean you fuck everyone right? Of course you’d wanted to fuck me as well.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sighed. It was a shame I didn’t have a joint right now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I walked out of the building and into the crisp summer day. It was still early in the morning and my next class wasn’t until after lunch so I had time to kill. I decided to meander around campus to pass some time and maybe I’d end up at the library to goof off on their computers for a few hours.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But I had a change of plans when I saw Ten walking. I knew it was him because I could see all his earrings shining in the summer sun. My feet couldn’t run fast enough toward him. We hadn’t seen each other since Friday so it was long overdue for me. He hadn’t really texted me either because he had to get ready for classes. I decided I believed him and it wasn’t because he secretly hated me. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I called out to him as I ran over to him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He turned to me in shock but then I saw his face light up as I got closer to him. My stomach did a flip. He was happy to see me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi Johnny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” I greeted out of breath. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You okay?” He chuckled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I took a deep inhale and exhale. This was only a downside to smoking so much. “Yeah I’m fine. Are you going to class?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No. I just got out. I have a class at 12:30 so I’m just killing time,” he answered. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh cool. Me too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded, “Cool.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Wanna walk with me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten nodded, “Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We just walked around the large campus with no goal in mind. Ten was talking about his schedule and how he was only excited for one of his classes but he hoped to be surprised. I told him about my boring ass professor and howI was probably going to give up music after that class. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We both ended up on a bench on the far side of campus, away from pretty much everything. It was nice to be alone with him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you feeling better?” Ten asked as he played with a string on his shirt.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Like do you feel less…? I don’t know… Are you doing okay in your mind?” He asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I laughed, “I’m never okay in my mind.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten pulled the string out of his shirt and threw it to the ground as he nodded slowly. He sighed and looked at me with sincerity. “Johnny…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ten…” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He reached up and pushed away the strand of hair that was falling into my face. His touch was so soft and delicate. It set my heart ablaze. I closed my eyes and savored the feeling of his soft fingers on my cheek. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m still angry at you,” he mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You have every right to be.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I just want you to make it right.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I will Ten I promise,” I whispered, “I’ll try to get better.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Good.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Just don’t leave me,” the words came out more desperate than I intended. I really felt like I was going to cry.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t Johnny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten grabbed my face and kissed me. I sighed into the kiss and held his body against mine. The fire inside me ignited and it was bigger now. I felt a shiver go down my spine from the feeling of complete warmth Ten brought me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I like kissing you,” I said against his lips before kissing him again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That made us both smile and eventually we were pulling away in laughter. I leaned over and pecked his cheek and smiled. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you Johnny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I still had no clue what to even say to such a thing. Because nothing felt right. “Thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten laughed. Clearly that was wrong. “Oh Johnny.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He shook his head and smiled, “Nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The next few months went by at lightning speed. Ten and I learned we have two classes together and it felt nice because we sat together. During boring lectures, I held his hand and sent notes and sometimes we would do homework together. It was nice to have him back in my life and I certainly felt happier. Mark and Jaehyun both noticed it too. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I was starting to let them into my life more. Especially Mark because he was someone who never judged, only listened. Saturdays we would just chill by the pool and I’d tell him what was on my mind. And he would listen. It was unusual for me and I particularly had a hard time talking about dark thoughts. But he understood. He just listened and made me feel comforted. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten was patient with me too. In amidst my confusion, he would just put his hand on my shoulder and I would feel grounded. My head was always scattered but he brought me clarity and warmth. It was okay if I didn’t have the answers because he wasn’t rushing to get them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And I loved him for that. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even though I never told him. I tried many times but my thoughts would always scatter and the words never came out right. It was like I was a boy confessing to his crush. I was so nervous all the time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We also didn’t fuck either. Ten said it would be best if we kept our distance for a while until I figured it all out. I knew it would benefit me and he was willing to wait, but man it hurt not having. Times when I felt particularly good, I just wanted to go and kiss him (and then make him feel as good as I felt). But I understood. He promised he would wait and I believed him. I trusted him. I trusted him more than anything. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I loved him more than anything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Which is why I was driving at ten o’clock at night to his house. It had started to rain and I was cursing at the universe. I hate driving in the rain because I had places to be and people in front of me were being slow. All for what? Road caution? Keeping people safe? I didn’t have time for that. I needed to get to Ten’s house.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>What would normally be a thirty minute trip—which was already long as shit—took forty five minutes. It was officially downpouring outside and the roads were starting to flood. It was like there was a hurricane outside but we were in the midwest United States. I hopped out of my car and ran to the door to prevent myself from getting soaked. But it was no use. I was soaking wet by the time I reached the door. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I knocked on the wet wood and looked down in front of me to see my clothes sticking to my body. I was praying that at least someone would answer because I was freezing. My jaw clenched and I tried to warm myself up by rubbing my wet arms. After a few seconds, I knocked again. It was almost 11 at night, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were asleep. It was useless, but there was no way I could drive home.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But the door opened to a shirtless Ten. He was wearing pajama bottoms and he was holding a cup of tea. There were no earrings in his ear and he wasn't wearing any makeup. He had been getting into a lot since he came back so I was used to seeing him with pretty eyeliner and lipgloss. But he was barefaced right now. He looked more beautiful than anything I had ever seen before. My heart was pounding in my chest and my already wet hands were starting to feel warm. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He opened his mouth to speak. “John—.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But I didn’t let him finish his sentence. Because I couldn’t wait any longer. It had been over six months since I first saw him. Six long months of antagonizing over the feelings he was giving me. It had been since months since I touched him for the first time and felt my body explode in a way I had never felt before. It was six months of torture from pushing him away to having him back in my life. Six months of trying to figure my shit out so I could have him forever. And if I waited one more second I would probably explode. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you Ten.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sighed out in relief. I had been grappling with this feeling for so long that it felt like the weight of the world had finally been lifted from my shoulders. Love was a big word to me and I almost felt unconfident in my ability to use such a strong word. But hearing it come out of my mouth made me feel so powerful.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah! I love you Ten. I love you so much.” I started laughing like a maniac as the adrenaline in my body took over. My fingers were tingling and my stomach was in knots. But I felt so fucking powerful.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten grabbed my face and made me look at him. I felt instantly grounded. He had a big smile on his face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you really mean it?” He asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” I whispered, “Oh my fucking god do I mean it. I’ve never felt like this for anyone. You make me feel insane Ten but I love that. I love you.” I didn’t want to stop saying it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ten enveloped his arms around my neck as he kissed me. I held onto his tiny body for dear life. I didn’t want to lose it again and having him in my embrace meant I wouldn’t. I didn’t have to let him go if I didn’t want to. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too Johnny,” he whispered against my lips.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I kissed him again because I wanted to do anything to prove that I meant it. And when he offered for me to come inside, I was feeling as giddy as one would when you’re cold and shivering. But the coldness didn’t last. Because my clothes were off my body the second I entered his room and I was in his worshipping his warm body. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I kissed him everywhere. From the top of his head to his feet, I didn’t let a single piece of him at least go untouched. I kept whispering those words to him because I wanted him to know. I needed him to know how he made me feel. He would blush and smile and say he loved me too. And I believed him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Entering him was a whole new experience. Sure, I had done it plenty of times before, but now it was different. Because now I was becoming a part of him. It was secure and safe and free from harm. I could be myself and I could see what he saw in me. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sure, I was broken. I had a lot of shit to figure out in my life. But I was beautiful in my own way. Ten didn’t look at me and see me as someone who just wanted to fuck. No. He saw me and all my rough edges and decided that I was still worthy of something. Ten saw me for who I was and he loved me for it. And I loved him. We loved each other.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I kissed his chest as I thrust in and out him. Telling him how beautiful he was because he was truly the most beautiful thing in the world. I knew I wouldn’t last long because the sensations were just so overwhelming. It had been so long since I had truly had him and now I finally got to recieve. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Let go Johnny, it’s okay. I love to see you come,” his whispered as he stroked my hair.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And whatever Ten wants, Ten gets. So I did. I let everything inside of me uncurl and I moaned out into his room. I tried to be quiet as not to wake anybody but it was so hard. Everything felt so good.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After I finished, I grabbed Ten’s cock and stroked vigorously to get him to feel the same pleasure. His eyes were squeezed shut and his grip on my bicep was becoming tighter. I leaned my forehead down and pushed his fringe out of his face. I wanted to see all of him. He was so fucking beautiful. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re such a good boy Ten. So fucking beautiful. Please come for me baby, please, please, please,” I whispered as he looked at me.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I watched in complete awe as he came undone under me. His grip loosened on me and he was whimpering from over stimulation. I licked the come that landed on his chest off of him savoring the salty but sweet taste that I had missed for so long. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Exhaustion took over very quickly and I laid my head on his chest. His heart rate was still fast, but it slowly started to go back to normal as we laid together. His fingers danced in my hair and rubbed his chest softly. His heartbeat started to slowly lull me to sleep as I took comfort in the gentle rhythm. It reminded me of one thing before I fell asleep.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ten?” I asked to see if he was still awake.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm?” He hummed. He sounded half asleep but at least he could hear what I needed to say.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I smiled to myself and let out a contented sigh. Because my entire life has been me running away from everything that I had gotten to the point where I was tired. My legs couldn’t carry me anymore and I just wanted to rest. But I couldn’t. Then Ten came along and told me I didn’t have to anymore. I could lay with him and everything would be alright. He would be by my side and would make me feel safe from whatever life decided to throw at me. And I believed him. Because I loved him. And he loved me too.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>We loved each other.</span>
</p>
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